If a total stranger came up to us in the street and began being verbally abusive we might be shocked and unsure how to respond but it's less likely we would feel any kind of responsibility for their behaviour. It would be much easier to separate their unwarranted behaviour from ours. The problem quite clearly would be theirs.
This is why it's so much more difficult to respond to someone we know who attacks us in this way. And it usually is someone we know; whether it be a partner, a member of the family, a friend, a colleague or a neighbour there already exists a relationship between us. In many ways you could say that this is precisely WHY it happens in these circumstances because of two significant factors.
Firstly, because of your relationship the other person 'knows' your vulnerable areas. It can be complex, because it's not always as cut and dried as it may appear. They may only sense your areas of weakness, but enough to use it as a subtle weapon against you. It could be that in the course of your relationship you drew attention to these self-same perceived weak areas on occasion, maybe habitually. In other words, they know you well enough to know which of your 'buttons' to push.
Secondly, and quite ironically, depending on the closeness of the relationship, they might target you as someone they can vent their anger on simply because they can. They can, in this case, because you allow it. I can hear your protests, understandably, because how would you ever choose to be attacked in this way? Again it's more of an unconscious process and, as such, needs to be examined in order to get to the bottom of it.
When it happens in the playground or at work in a systematic way we call it bullying and it's associated quite clearly with power. At work the power lies in the 'superior' role held by the aggressor; in the playground the power is more akin to the law of the jungle. It's about survival. Without exception though, in both cases, it stems from a lack of self-esteem in the aggressor who is driven to prove his or her worth to the outside world.
In closer relationships it's more complex. Certainly there are power issues involved here and, surprisingly, they are not always between the aggressor and yourself but between someone else who they perceive to be more powerful in the present, perhaps a partner or even a parent figure. In this case the 'power' is rooted in deep emotional ties as well as dependency and security.
The root of emotional dis-satisfaction in your aggressor very often will lie, not with you, but with the person they are closest to. To challenge anything there would be deemed too dangerous for them, affecting as it might the very relationship they depend on or, in the case of unresolved past issues, depended, upon.
Left unchallenged over time emotions build as if in a pressure cooker and one day, given the tiniest of triggers, will explode. If you happen to be standing in the firing line you get it. It is unfair but to understand this may help with the way you feel.
So, how do you deal with the after-effects of such an attack? Well, understanding the above helps any self-blame that may linger. You know, 'Did I do something or say something that caused this?' Yet, it is useful to ask some questions of yourself. 'Is there anything in the way I behave or the way in which I speak, even in jest, which may come over as self-criticism?' 'Do I have a habit of judging myself even in 'throw-away' comments?' 'Do I ever allow this other person to make negative comments or insinuations about me that have the effect of chipping away at my self-confidence? If so, do I ever challenge them assertively?'
It's important too, having asked all these questions of yourself, to let go of any residual feelings surrounding the attack. Once the dust has settled it may be useful to approach the person concerned and ask them genuinely if there is anything you have done or said that upset them. Listen to anything they may have to say.
Accept responsibility for any of your habits that might invite an attack of this kind but be very clear about the responsibility for the attack being the other persons and not yours. In this case, whatever the origin of the outburst, it really is THEIR problem. Get out of the firing line, permanently if necessary. Seek ways to strengthen your self-esteem.
There's a lot of truth in the old saying, 'You always hurt the one you love.' Yet, all any of us can do is to constantly move closer to our Wise Self, knowing and taking responsibility for our Self.
Download a free guide to Creative Awareness by visiting http://www.wisewomenrelating.com and learn how connecting with your authentic Self combined with creative expression will develop a deep inner confidence, strengthen faith in your ability to attract success and create the life and relationships you desire.
Susanne Spencer is a coach, counsellor, teacher and writer who teaches smart women the strategies and skills to deepen self-knowledge, improve relationships, enhance creative expression and attract success
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