Given that definition you may well ask: "What place does wisdom have in affair survival?" Perhaps the best way to begin answering this question is to agree on what we mean by "wisdom." Two good dictionary definitions are: "The quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight." "The ability or result of an ability to think and act utilizing knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense, and insight."
Keeping all this in mind, the question then becomes:"Because getting through your infidelity situation is fraught with 'highly charged emotions', how you 'think and act utilizing knowledge, common sense', 'just judgment', etc?"
The simple, but honest answer is: Awareness. The awareness that you are emotionally out of control. And, at the same time, the other side of that coin, is being aware that you have a rational, logical side. Though now it is clearly being overpowered by the emotional bulldozer of adultery pain.
The tool you need to turn off that bulldozers engine is: Attention. Attention to what you do with your awareness. It's not enough simply to be aware that you are a normally rational, logical person, temporarily "derailed" by your volatile emotions. You need to take the next step. Bring attention into the mix.
A classic Zen story illustrates this truth perfectly. After absorbing a long discourse, one student asks: "Master, what does attention mean?" The master instantly whacks the student with his stick bellowing: "Attention means attention!"
Naturally I'm not suggesting you need to beat yourself with a stick to come to attention. But it is crucial to surviving your affair to have attention. And, more importantly, to pay attention to what you're feeling at any given moment, and the actions you chose as a result. Because it is your actions that will determine your success or failure.
Action is the third and final element in your recovery process. You begin with the awareness of your situation. You progress to attention to how you're honestly feeling. And what you know from personal experience. Then you advance to the "moment of truth." ACTION!
Like the three survival elements I've just detailed, there are three main progressive actions to understand:
1. IT'S A PASSING PHASE. Everything is. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. Your present pain. The unimaginable rage. The agony of betrayal. Like a bad dream, they will eventually fade. You know this to be a fact. Pay attention to it.
2. BE HERE NOW. Focusing on this moment. Your present reality. Regardless of how unappealing it may be. It's yours. You need to "own it" before you can improve it. Dwelling on the past or projecting the future just wastes the only time you have for sure. This moment.
3. CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF. Dig through the layers of negativity that are burying all your"good points." Bring back the essential you. Re-establish communication with all the qualities and abilities that define you. That make you a unique and special person. Remember, as cliché as it sounds, there's no one in the world exactly like you. Now is the time to celebrate that fact.
This was one of the hardest things for me when I was struggling through my nightmare of infidelity. But I was fortunate in discovering a revolutionary new method that gave me the guidance I needed to pull myself through.
I can't think of any reason why it couldn't do the same for you. Click the link above if you'd like to check it out.
And good luck with putting your awareness and attention into successful ACTION!
Lawrence Collins, a affair survivor and relationship counsellor, urges all infidelity sufferers not to give up! There is free professional help available to guide you through your adultery nightmare.
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